Black coffee and Tylenol are not a particularly respectable way to begin your day but sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Albertus Seba’s “Cabinet of Natural Curiosities” measures 10x15x2 1/4” deep and does not fit in the trunk of a Vespa. Sit on it, and pray.

Dropping down California onto the PCH inspires pure, unadulterated joy. When you’re on your way to watch a girlfriend compete in a surf competition, you know it’s summer.

Locali, the “conscious convenience” store on Franklin is a great idea. The fact that it took thirty minutes to make my vegan sandwich is cause for great concern.

At the back of the Hollywood sign are cameras and radiation warning signs. If you have to pee it’s best to wait until you get someplace you won’t be filmed and left with cancer of the uterus.

The heady scent of Jasmine permeates Crescent Heights.

Sometimes when a girl tells you she has brain damage, she means it. “Seriously.”

The carnitas tacos, elote, and beef ribs at El Carmen are good. The cactus margarita? Excellent. When you take photos inside the restaurant, the lighting makes everyone look like a magic trick.

Men: Do not tell a girl you are “going to change her life” if she has not intimated she wants her life “changed”. The resulting fracas is amusing for on-lookers but leaves scars.

Women: If you’re at Moonshadows and a man asks you to dance, don’t automatically say you can’t because you only have one leg. He might only have one arm.

Mixing margaritas, pink champagne and gin is to be avoided at all costs.

Someone says The Cowboy Palace Saloon off the 118 West features line dancing every night of the week. Images of Debra Winger, John Travolta, and a mechanical bull buck their way thru my head.

In the bathroom, two Asian girls reprimand a third for forgetting her Pepsid – “Now you can’t hide your Asian Glow.”

Joe Brooke at Copo D’or, makes a jalapeno and rye cocktail “unofficially” called The Hot Tranny Mess. The discrepancy over its invention involves the following players; John Gakaru, Marcos Tello, and Vincenzo Marianella. Any more information is both confusing and illegible as I was drunk by the time I took this down.

Penny Marshall travels with a brood of beautiful girls who look like they will kick your ass.

The “build your own ice cream sandwich” truck is parked outside The Otheroom and is getting more play than the taco truck with which it is engine to nose. Who started the snack-truck-outside-of-bar concept? The Spanish woman in the alley outside The Edison makes the best bacon-wrapped hot dogs for my gently hallucinating palate.

My brother fears I am living a Dickens life, to which I reply, “Bring in the bottled lightning, a clean tumbler, and a corkscrew!”